Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?
Grosser Than Gross - Pudding
What's grosser than gross?
Dreaming about eating chocolate pudding, and waking up with a spoon in your ass.
Custer's Last Thought
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist.
Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.
Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.
"Why, that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.
"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"
"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians.'"
Computer vs. Air Conditioner
How is a computer like an air conditioner?
When you open Windows it won't work!
Hannibal Lecter 'n' Britney
What does Hannibal Lecter call Britney Spears?
Dinner at Hooters.
Big Boss Man
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass!
There were three guys out on a hike when thay were capured by some Indians.
The indians then brought them to their tribe camp.
Here they told each of them they had one night to live before the Indians would chop their heads off and turn them into canoes.
That night the Indians told each of them they could have anything they wanted for the night before they died.
The first guy said he wanted the finest girl they had.
In his tent you herd, "Yesss, Yesss" all night long.
The second guy said he wanted the biggest bottle of beer they had.
In his tent you heard, "gulp, gulp, gulp" all night long.
The third guy only asked for a golden fork.
That night there was no sound coming from his tent.
In the morning the Indians woke the first guy up and chopped off his head and turned him into a canoe. They did he same for the second guy.
Then before they went into the third guy's tent he popped out and started stabbing himself with the fork saying, "You aren't making no canoe out of me!"
A Bad Life
Imagine you have a siamiese twin.
Your twin is gay.
He has his boyfriend over.
You only have one ass.
Ru Paul, Bill Gates, and Roger Ebert are all struck by lightning on the same
day. All three find themselves in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. They
start begging him to give them another chance at life. St. Peter agrees but
on one condition: they each have to give up something they truly enjoy.
Ru Paul says, "I really love men, but I will give up screwing around with them."
Bill Gates says, "I really love money, but I will give up all the money I have."
Ebert says." I really love food, but I'll give up pizza."
Soon, all three find themselves back on Earth. They start walking down street feeling very grateful. Suddenly, Ebert spots a pizzeria. He smells the aroma and can't help himself — he runs in there and eats a slice of pizza. POOF! He disappears.
Ru Paul and Bill Gates are astonished and agree that that won't happen to them.
So they resume walking down the street when Bill Gates spots a shiny, new quarter.
He thinks that if he picks it up, he can found a new company and become fabulously
wealthy again. He bends down to pick up the quarter and POOF! Ru Paul disappears.
5 Ways to Annoy Cops
1. When he approaches you, stare at his gut and say, "Hmmm. I thought cops had to be physically fit."
2. Throw his nightstick and tell the police dog to fetch it.
3. Ask him if you can use his pepper spray to spice up your pizza.
4. Tell him you wanted to be a cop, but decided to graduate high school instead.
5. When he asks for your license, say, "Oh sure, officer, can you hold me beer for a sec?"
That IS The Only Difference
What's the difference between light and hard?
You can go to sleep with the light on.
My pants aren't at my ankles, so don't open your mouth!
The Shit List
Ghost Shit- The kind where you feel the shit
come out, but there is no shit in the toilet.
Clean Shit- The kind where you pooped it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Shit- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and you still feel unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your ass and your underwear, so you won't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Shit- This happens when you're done shiting and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to shit some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Shit- The kind were you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
Lincoln Log Shit- The kind of shit that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Shit- It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.
Corn Shit- Self explanatory.
Spinal Tap Shit- That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways.
Wet Cheeks Shit- (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your ass so fast, your cheeks get spalshed with water.
The Suprise Shit- You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your about to fart, but OOPS!- its shit!
The Dangling Shit- When the shit refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done shiting. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
Stealing From Work
What do you call a prostitute with her hands under her skirt?
Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box?
She sat on Pinocchio's face and told him to lie to her.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Santa?
Nothing, they both leave children's bedrooms with empty sacks!
Rooster and Owl
What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?
A cock that stays up all night!
I haven't seen you run that fast since Twinkies went on sale.
Teachers and Diapers
Why are teachers are like diapers?
They are full of shit and allways on your ass.