Red Neck Jokes
Redneck Top Ten
1) You've ever had to lug a paint can to the top of a water
tower to defend your sister's honor.
2) Your wife's hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan.
3) You go to your family reunion to pick up women.
4) Your richest relative buys a new house -- and you have to help him take the wheels off it.
5) You think a six-pack and a bug zapper is quality entertainment.
6) Your family tree does not fork.
7) You've ever been too drunk to fish.
8) You've lost more than two teeth opening beer bottles.
9) You helped your cousin move his refrigerator -- and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
10) You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
What do you call 32 Rednecks in one room?
A full set of teeth.
A Special Night in Iowa
What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonalds
on Friday night in Iowa?
What do you call a lesbian with ten girlfriends?
A Bush Hog.
Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated
next to one another on a plane.
"Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose.
"Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?" The southern woman thinks about this for a second.
"Where you flyin' to, bitch?"
If a man and a woman get married in Texas and move to Washington are they still brother and sister?
Arkansas State Residency Application
ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION
Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box)
Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know
Redneck Sex Ed
Why did the redneck school stop teaching sex ed?
They needed the car for driver's ed.
A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' dem rubbers gonna cost me?"
The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
To which the redneck replies: "TACKS! Gawd a' mighty, don't they stay on by themselves."
You Might Be A Redneck If...Bluebook
You might be a redneck if the Bluebook value of your truck changes with the amount of gas you have in it!
You Might Be A Redneck If...Match
You might be a redneck if you lit a match in your bathroom it blew your house off its wheels!
What's the last thing a redneck says before he dies?
Hey! Watch this...
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down
to two finalists. One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an
upper-crust family; well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The
other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. Go figure.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word “Timbuktu.”
The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
“'Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu.”
The audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
“Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu”
You Might Be A Redneck...Shotgun
You might be a redneck if you like to brag you learned to fire a shotgun before you could walk!
A truck driver was driving down the highway when he sees a priest
hitchhiking on the road. He stops to pick up the priest, but he has a few
misgivings about giving him a ride; usually when the driver sees a redneck
on the road, he hits them -- with a priest in the truck, he'd have to swerve.
But the driver decides to pick up the priest.
A little while later, he comes across a redneck hitchhiking. He decides to just swerve and let this one live when, all of a sudden he hears a "BOOM!" The driver looks over at the priest, who says, "Don't worry -- I got him with the door."