Sex Related Jokes
A Hooker and a Bungee Jump
What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?
They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.
A Small Problem
A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt
make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''
Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''
''How!?!?!?'' she asks.
''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''
''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.
''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.
''How did you know that?'' she wonders.
''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?'''
5 Counterproductive Pick-Up Lines
1) If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole.
2) How do you like your eggs: fried, scrambled or fertilized?
3) My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can't hold it in.
4) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, then could I meet you between the holidays?
5) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.
10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
Dairy Queen and Burger King
How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
Burger King forgot to wrap his whooper.
What do you call a 350-pound stripper?
I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, “No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.”
Why is sex like snow?
You never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
An Ugly Position
What's the position to make ugly babies?
Ask your parents.
A new law recently passed in Arkansas.
When a couple is divorced, they can still legally be brother and sister.
Balls and Old Ladies
What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"
She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"
Joke for Limeys
What do George Michael and Wellington Boots have in common?
They both get sucked off in bogs.
A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' dem rubbers gonna cost me?"
The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
To which the redneck replies: "TACKS! Gawd a' mighty, don't they stay on by themselves."
Hobo vs. Homo
What's the difference between a hobo and a homo?
A hobo has no friends and a homo has friends up the ass!
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times."
At The Door
A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.
When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and
says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night? No one will show up..."
"I've already said No, and NO!"
"Honey, it's just a small blowie...I know you'd like it, too..."
"No! I've said NO!"
"My love... Don't be like that..."
At this moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"
Why can't you hear bunnies having sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
Men 'n' Lightbulbs
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, men will screw anything.
Stoopit Pickup Lines
1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you
2. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
5. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
6. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
7. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
8. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
9. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
10. Baby, you must be tired cuz you have been running through my mind all night!!
Lightbulbs vs Pregnant Women
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Whats another name for a push-up bra?
Girls and Planes
What does a girl and a plane have in common?
They both have cockpits.
Why does Santa have huge balls?
Because he only comes once a year!
Viagra + Death = ?
What happend to the man who died on an overdose of Viagra?
They couldn't close the coffin.
Osama's Covered Wagon
Why hasn't Osama bin Laden ever been circumcized?
Because there is just no end to that prick!
Viagra + Pot = ?
What do you get when you smoke pot and take Viagra?
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
McDonalds Condom: One Billion Served.
Energizer Condom: It keeps going and going and going...
Bandai Condoms: Action Satisfaction.
What's worse than having termites in your piano?
Crabs on your organ.
Good, Bad, Worse
Good: Your children are sexually active.
Bad: With each other
Worse: And your wife.
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: Getting arrested.
Worse: By your husband
Good: The teacher likes your son.
Worse: The techer is a he.
Good: You go home for a quickie.
Bad: you get caught by your wife
Worse: You're with her sister.
It's Not Genetics
Why can't Chinese couples have white babies?
Because two Wongs don't make a white!
Osama = Crabs?
What do Osama bin Laden and crabs have in common?
They both irritate Bush.
That IS The Only Difference
What's the difference between light and hard?
You can go to sleep with the light on.
Tire vs. Condoms
What is the difference between a tire and 365 condoms?
One is a good year and the other is a great year.
Sex is a sin. Sins are forgiven so stick it back in!